IT’S OKAY TO HATE VALENTINE’S DAY
Rebecca Fergie, Clinical Psychologist Registrar
14 February 2024
Valentine's Day is upon us. Whilst this holiday is a festive occasion for some (including advertisers and businesses), it can be a painful time for others. If you are in the latter camp, here are a few things to consider as you navigate this week.
First, it is okay to give a name to grief, rather than chugging on and pretending to be happy. Maybe Valentine's Day brings up some difficult emotions for you. Research shows that simply naming an emotion reduces the arousal levels in the brain. The brain loves categorising, like “yellow goes with yellow, blue goes with blue.” If you are able to distinguish emotions, like “I’m feeling sad,” the brain does not need to exert energy and stress levels are reduced. Practically, this might look like acknowledging that this particular day is hard, and you feel sad, or angry, or hurt. Then treat yourself like you would treat a friend who is sad. Maybe you need a slower day or to catch up with some friends who know what is going on.
Our modern culture idolises romantic love above all else in terms of identity and belonging. This is in stark contrast to the ancient world, where in both the Bible and Ancient Greek culture, friendship was prioritised above all else. In the ancient world, it was rare to choose a romantic partner as marriages were often arranged out of economic necessity. Then, as now, they could not pick their families. But friendships? These were the relationships that you chose, and were to be prioritised accordingly.
It is unusual to prioritise depth in friendship in our culture. And yet, study upon study shows that we are lonelier than ever. We might have a good job, conveniences, a social media following, and all manner of purchases able to be delivered to our door, but do we have friends who would bring us a meal when we have a baby or run to the pharmacy for us when we are sick? Do we have a friend we can call upon in the depths of despair, to confess we wish we were not alive?
If we do not have these friends, let us consider, have we made space for this deep connection in our lives? Are we willing to go first, to send the awkward text asking to catch up; or invite a friend over for a coffee at our place (even if it is not as beautiful or as big as the houses we see on Instagram); or drop colouring books and Hydralyte at their door when their household is struck by gastro?
This is all work. But can I encourage you? These tiny moments of investing in friends give meaning and colour to life. Maybe the friend you drop Hydralyte to today will be the person sitting in the doctor’s waiting room with you years from now as you await scary results. Research into healing from trauma and resilience from hard things consistently identify our relationships as a strong protective factor. We can deal with hard things when we know we have someone in our corner.
The best part? You don’t need to wait for a day once a year. You don’t need to buy a card. You can do these tiny actions 365 days a year.
Who might you become in 365 days of prioritising depth in friendships?
REBECCA FERGIE
Rebecca is our Clinical Psychologist Registrar at Manna Wellness, Darlington. She has worked in a number of clinical settings including Cygnet Clinic, St John of God Midland Hospital (inpatient and outpatient), Parkerville Children and Youth Care, Department of Justice, and Department for Child Protection and Family Support. She has an enthusiastic, reflective, and non-judgemental style and collaborates with her clients to obtain the best outcomes for them using evidence based practice.
